I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Girls should come with a carfax report
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
