wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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