It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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