Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
