i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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