She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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