If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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