then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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