I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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