Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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