So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
