What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
