I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
