he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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