so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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