Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
