all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I intend to get homeless drunk
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
