Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
