I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
