I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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