Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
