The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's shark week go big or go home
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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