You smell like a Billy Joel song
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
