You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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