i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We need to feng shui this bitch.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
