The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize