I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
