If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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