i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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