What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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