Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
