meet me or not, i'm out of control
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
