I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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