I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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