Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
