no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
