I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
be right there i have to get my cape
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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