I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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