I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
