come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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