I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize