I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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