I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
