I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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