Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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