I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
