How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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