Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Well I just put wine in my tea
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
