I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
