i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
