you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
