Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
