Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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