You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
