And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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