This dress was meant to end up on your floor
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
