Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
