Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
