What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
